current thoughts. [[the life, love, and why]]
Current mood:  depressed
Category: Life so. my heart hurts. im cold. but i just dont wanna leave to turn the fan off. i guess im hoping for something great to happen. and i really wanna talk. but not necessarily to anyone.. so if you do txt me or comment or msg me or something... and i ignore, sorry. ill get back to ya. i found some good music. that always makes my day a little better. and i just learned something about myself. and when i say JUST i mean like.. in the past 2 minutes while i was typing. this is what i learned. when im REALLY depressed, i mean like REALLY hurting inside... i act hyper... i wonder if anybody ever noticed that about me... seriously, like 2 minutes ago [[i must like 2 minutes today]] i was like bouncing off the walls... now i jst wanna start crying. and do ya think i have the slightest idea why? no. i know some little things that are bothering me, but thats nothing to construct a river about. amirite? maybe its just... cuz im female... idk, but im seriously hurting. another thing i learned about myself while i was typing the 1st thing i learned... i would really make a GREAT psychiatrist.. why you ask? well, because no matter what is going on in my life, no matter how i feel about the person or subject.. i can help them without letting my emotions take over. thats pretty damn amazing i think. i got a book in the mail a few days ago. it was from Washington University... (the college i want to go to) it was a book all about their school. stuffed in the very back... was an application. im so terrified that im not going to get in that i dont even want to apply... today (possibly yesterday), they sent me a book about scholarships. the part that depresses me the most?... what is so great about me that i would get a scholarship? they dont give scholarships to normal, average students.. so why even bother.
i know if i really tried... i could be a genius. i could have straight As.. it wouldnt be difficult. i mean, after all, i get As and Bs without studying.. seriously, i havent studied for any subject (except math eek) since ive been in high school. and the only time i can remember studying before high school was for the constitution test in 8th grade. its weird. like, if i pay attention in class and stuff, i can ace anything. but if i dont, i have to read (which i hate). then sometimes its like.. i remember hearing the teacher tlk about it... but i wasnt paying attention so i guess.. and wuddaya kno.. i get the damn thing right. enuff about that. so i covered life, i covered love.. kinda... now the why. i still havent figured out why. i dont know who i am i guess. knowing who you are is like making a new friend.. you learn piece by piece and it can take a lifetime. [[that was a good quote! maybe im smart after all]] but really, i keep learning about different parts of myself... but i dont see how they all fit. sometimes i wonder if im just following everyone else. like im a steryotype.. but then i realize, who else is ther like me? who else has: a best friend- would do anything for me, without even having to ask. she knows how to make me happy when im upset. she listens and understands everything i have to say or feel. she knows me... and still loves me. wow. a desire for music- not just a specific type...but all music. one of my newly discovered favorites: indie. i love punk-rock, classic rock, metal, country, hip hop, pop, classical, rap, r&b, bluegrass, etc. [[not huge amounts of some of the listed, but at least a few songs of each]] a family- who cares so much. including a baby cousin who looks up to me 100%. which isnt always a good thing, because you have to be on ur best behavior when you havea 10 year old watching your every move. and an uncle who has always been in my life no matter how many miles have been put between us.. he's the one that i've had that strange connection with since i met him (the day i was born). he's the one who put ME a 1 year old baby in his high school pics because he loved me so much. he's also the one who took me (again, 1 year old baby) with him when he went on dates. friends- who (again) would do anything for me even if it meant giving up something they love. friends that i could call at anytime, day or night and they would listen to anything i had to say.. whether it be me reading this entire blog to them or just saying hi.. they'd listen intently. so with all of this great stuff... why cant i be happy?? i could be the worlds greatest psychiatrist... and i still couldnt fix my own problems. like why am i up at 415 am writting in a public blog about my life? i need someone. this is so typical to say, but... im lonely. it doesnt matter if its been said 3 million times before, if its true.. its true. i keep looking at that picture of me [[the one up on the left as i type, my default]] and i think.. who is that pretty girl? its def not me.. i dont feel like that right now. right now, i feel like shit. right now, i wanna just stop writing... but i cant. writting has become an escape for me... its like, if i write it, maybe someone will read it and save me. but it never happens. either ppl dont read my feelings, or they do and just dont want to save me... or maybe they cant. i feel so invisible.. like noone even sees me anymore. it makes me want to do something drastic... something stupid. but what is there to do that hasnt already been done and done 100 times better than i could've done it? nothing. | 
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8r0k3n's journal
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